Location: New Orleans Headquarters
Department: Operations & Logistics
Exercise: Emergency Assembly
Personnel Expected: 14
Personnel Located: 13
Organizer’s Mood: You don’t want to know.

There are several phrases I dislike.

“I forgot.”

That’s one.

“I assumed someone else did it.”

That’s another.

But there is one sentence that belongs near the very top of the list:

“I thought they were with you.”

No. No, you did not. Or, more accurately, you should not.

Welcome to Operations. I’m Alistair. My job is making sure the Zombie Readiness Society is prepared to function when everything else isn’t.

River handles field operations. Samuel handles research. Zenyth knows and handles everything. I handle everything that keeps those three from creating complete organizational chaos.

You’re welcome.

Today’s Exercise

The assignment was simple. At precisely 10:00, the emergency alarm would sound. Every person participating in the exercise would immediately stop what they were doing and report to the designated assembly point in the courtyard. Once there, we would conduct a head count. Fourteen participants. Fourteen people at the assembly point. Exercise complete.

At 10:00, the alarm sounded. People arrived. I counted.

Thirteen.

I counted again. Still thirteen. For the record, counting the same people twice usually does not cause another person to appear. I checked the roster. One missing. Zenyth. Of course.

Where’s Zenyth?

River checked the training rooms. Echo checked the courtyard and kitchen. Samuel suggested: “Maybe give it another minute?”

I looked at him. He reconsidered. “Or not.”

Correct. During an actual emergency, you don’t simply assume someone will eventually appear. You find out what happened.

We checked Zenyth’s office. Empty. Reading room. Empty. Conference room. Empty. Finally, River opened the doors to the Archive.

There she was. Sitting at a table. Reading. River stared at her. Zenyth looked up. “What?”

“The alarm.”

“What alarm?”

I would like to point out that the emergency alarm is specifically designed to be audible inside the Archive. Zenyth maintains that she was “deeply engaged in research.” I maintain that books do not create an acoustical force field. The matter remains under review.

Why Head Counts Matter

The exercise was funny because it wasn’t real. That’s important. In a real emergency, a missing person isn’t funny. Knowing where people are is one of the simplest and most important parts of emergency planning. Everyone should know:

Where are we going?

Where are we meeting?

Who is responsible for whom?

How do we know everyone arrived?

What happens if somebody is missing?

These questions apply during zombie outbreaks. They also apply during fires, storms, evacuations and other real emergencies.

A meeting point is especially important. If everyone begins looking for everyone else, people can become more scattered. Instead, establish a place where everyone knows to go. Then count.

Don’t Rely on Assumptions

This is the larger lesson. Emergencies are terrible times for assumptions.

“I thought Mom had the emergency bag.”

“I thought Dad had the dog.”

“I thought Echo was with River.”

“I thought Zenyth heard the alarm.”

No. Know. That’s what planning is for. You don’t make plans because you know exactly what will happen. You make plans because you don’t.

A good plan reduces the number of decisions you have to make when everyone is already stressed. Which is why I like checklists. Checklists don’t panic. Checklists don’t forget. Checklists never say: “I thought they were with you.”

People mock my checklists. Those people are wrong. I have a checklist documenting this.

— Alistair
Operations & Logistics
Zombie Readiness Society

P.S. Zenyth has requested that the official report state that she was conducting important archival research. Her request has been noted. And denied.